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Ways
to Manage Your Anger
Relaxation
Cognitive
Restructuring
Simply
put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse,
swear, or speak in abusive terms that reflect their inner thoughts.
When you are angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly
dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For
instance, instead of telling yourself, "Oh, it's awful, it's terrible,
everything's ruined," tell yourself, "It's frustrating, and
it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of
the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow." Be
careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking
about yourself or someone else. "This darn machine never works,"
or "You are always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate,
they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that
there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate
people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything and
that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Problem
Solving
Make a
plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your
best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right
away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and
make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to
lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem
does not get solved right away.
Better
Communication
Angry people
tend to jump to and act on conclusions and some of those conclusions
can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you are in a heated
discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say
the first thing that comes into your head, but instead slow down and
think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen
carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before
answering. It's natural to get defensive when you are criticized, but
don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the word. Maybe
the message is that this person is feeling scared or not feeling loved.
It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require
some breathing space, but don't let your anger at someone else spin
out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming
a disastrous one.
Using
Humor
The underlying
message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "Things
should go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally
right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable
indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. When you
feel that urge, he suggests that you picture yourself as a god or goddess
who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding along and
having your way in all situations. The more detail you can get into
your imaginary scenes, you may see how ludicrous your anger is. There
are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh
off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them
more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor;
that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
Changing
Your Environment
Give yourself
a break. Make sure you have some personal time scheduled for times of
the day that are particularly stressful. One example is the working
mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for
the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on
fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to
handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.
Do You
Need Counseling?
If you
feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact
on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might
consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist
or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing
a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.
From apa.org
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